You Down with The Cult?

Ah, Alcoholics Anonymous. I won't bury the lead here, the short answer is no. Not unless you are ready to change your drinking forever. And I don't mean that in this powerful, encouraging sense. I mean that literally. If you decide you are drinking too much and want to go the route of AA, take it slowly because the information and takeaways you keep from there will work. It will feel gross to drink again. I've learned this in many relapses and moderation experiments. There were many times after joining AA officially for months of abstinent sobriety that I did not want to be a part of it anymore. During these times, I felt the meetings, the steps, the catch-phrases and meditation had all served it's purpose whether I left to go on drinking, moderate or stay sober without a program.

Now, for me, after going to meetings and connecting with so many wonderful people that I then felt accountable to to stay sober (or maybe their presence in my life was keeping me sober)* Food for thought for myself later. Anyway, I felt icky. Yup, just icky is the perfect term. I couldn't enjoy my progress in moderation because AA had told me it was a slippery slope that I would never make it out of. I have had people with long-term, spiritual growth and sobriety tell me: "You'll be back." As if they were hoping for me not to disprove the theories of Alcoholics Anonymous that had kept them sober. Or, at least that's how I received the statements of fear for me drinking again. Don't get wrong, a lot of it came out of love and true fear that if I went on drinking the way I did for a few years in a depressive state and/or during my party days that I would die. And they had a right to be concerned. I'm not denying my drinking problem, that is something I wish everyone would have understood throughout my recovery journey. I simply have different ideas of relapse vs. recovery vs. moderation vs. me.

Here's what is great about AA, there ARE people who will love the shit out of you when you have no one else. Because, as I will write in a different posts, your friendships in recovery or relapse will never be the same after you join a drinking program. This, I believe is because people see things as black and white when it comes to addiction. Linear. People who would never join a drinking program even if they drink as much as you, people who don't drink much at all or can "take it or leave it" have a difficult time understanding the ins and outs of the fact that you being sober also means at one point, you were such an alcoholic that you decided to stop drinking, buy a book, sit in a meeting, talk about drinking all day everyday while trying NOT to drink, get hugged by complete strangers, label yourself every single day and every single meeting as "I am so and so and I am and alcoholic." AA will also provide therapeutic tools, inner-peace and connection with people beyond your wildest dreams. I understand this entire post is conflicting in my ideas about drinking programs and recovery and it's meant to be. Recovery is conflicting, confusing and convoluted. Let's call it the three C's from now on.

Before you join an AA program or if you feel like it's time to stop drinking, attend meetings, listen, don't jump in too quickly but take what helps from listening to others in meetings. Make sure you truly relate. Make sure you truly never want or never can have a sip of alcohol again. There's no turning back after that, and for some of us, that is such a good thing.