My husband and I used to argue about the bathtub. It aggravated the hell out of him that I wouldn’t rinse it and put up our son’s toys after giving him a bath. I didn’t think my failure in that department deserved the verbal lashings I got for it, but it did seem easy enough to stop doing it and well worth the effort if it meant he would leave me alone. Still, no matter how many times I assured him that I would make an effort to rinse the tub, I failed to do so just as many. I had every intention of changing my behavior but still my behavior didn’t change.
I thought about this one night in group when we were talking about giving up the need to be right. Someone was talking about using the phrase “I see your point” to diffuse arguments and I started to think about the hollow concessions I’ve made to my husband when we’ve argued. Not hollow in the sense that I didn’t mean them but hollow in the sense that the intentions never translated into actions. It’s easy to agree to something when the agreement alone will give you credit. I can concede to your point – do you see how humble and good am I?
When my intention is to be right I can put all the effort possible into action and still the outcome is only my rightness. If I’m willing to set aside my desire to be right, my efforts are freed up to be redirected in a more productive way. I can make an effort to show my husband the love and respect I have for him and if I don’t get it right 100% of the time then at least I’m pushing in the right direction. He is likely to respond to the love and respect I send his way in kind and our interaction could drastically change from what it was – a situation in which there could not be two winners and there may even be two losers.
I eventually put a note up on the wall of the bathtub reminding me to “rinse the tub”. I figured if I looked at that note every night and rinsed the tub I would get into the habit after a couple of weeks’ repetition. The same can be exercised in a willingness to stop trying to be right. As I write these words, as I process these thoughts, I am reaffirming the discipline I exercised with the bathtub. I may stop and think at some point tomorrow, do I need to be right on this? I hope I stop and think that, anyway. I hope that in so doing it becomes easier and more natural for me – that rightness becomes less important.
Is your intention to justify your behaviors and prove rightness or can you set the urge to be “right” aside and focus instead on productive behavior? Will you pour effort into developing healthy relationships instead of keeping score? Do you need to tape a note somewhere to remind yourself of your intentions?
