Illustration by FPJC
We went to South Africa for two weeks to visit my husband’s family and our friends. I knew I could drink while I was away without being tested and I thought a lot about whether or not I would. I decided I would. So that I wouldn’t be miserable with guilt, I developed a logic I could embrace. What good were the tools I was learning if I never got to put them into practice? As the trip neared, I wavered. Could I drink without getting that drunk? Would I slip back into old habits with old friends and disappoint myself when I was in a period of such growth?
I have to say, I did pretty well. I fell off the wagon one night but besides that I managed to drink without getting that drunk. That one night was a big disappointment for me. I woke up feeling guilty (not to mention hungover) and spent the next couple of days thinking about what I had lost because of that decision. Of course the flip side of that is I had an experience to compare with my responsible drinking on the rest of the trip.
One thing I learned is that I would really rather remember my time with loved ones than not. The “off the wagon” day was the only day we had to spend with one of our friends, Bianca, and I really can’t say what she’s up to these days. We didn’t have a quality visit and I blame my overindulgence. I think I would have been more tuned in to her presence and used that valuable time more wisely if I hadn’t let myself get that drunk. With the exception of that one night, I remember everything from our visit. I didn’t wake up in the mornings and say man, I had a great time with such and such last night! I just wish I could remember what we talked about…Nor did I wonder if I had looked, sounded or done something stupid. I was present for every experience, conversation and joke. I didn’t pick a numb forgetfulness over my loved ones. What a better way to live!
When I combine these revelations with some of the lessons I’ve learned while sober I become more convinced that I want to be tempered in my drinking. This is a life decision. I want to do these things not because they are right by someone else’s standard or because people will look on my behavior favorably, but because these decisions feel good.
Illustration by FPJC
I may have learned these lessons eventually but my holiday was an interesting break from sobriety. I like how I learned, I like how I grew. I am so blessed.
A NOTE FROM THE 2010 ME:
The memory of that night still disappoints me. I find it interesting that it still comes to my mind. I hadn’t even thought about all the success and happiness I found during the rest of that trip in I don’t know how long. Starting this blog has been so good for me…editing the words from such an emotional journey sends the feelings flooding back. My resolve strengthens and I grow all over again.
