I have had several drug and alcohol evaluations since my DUI. I was consistently honest and the results were consistently higher than what my government considers average. At first I was confident that what they consider normal isn’t at all. I know very few people whose drinking habits fall into their range of normal. Then I learned about enablers. &%#@ing enablers. These are people in your life who assure you that your behavior is normal, verbally or by example, and the concept applied is nothing short of a catch twenty-two. None of your perceptions as they relate to moderation or averages can be trusted when you have enablers about. Great, I’m surrounded by enablers. My family, friends, co-workers…I can count on one hand the people I spend time with who are sober. So if I’m going to buy into any of my therapy I’m faced with one really scary truth – I’m going to have to go at it without the people I love the most in the world. I get support from them, but they aren’t in my place and I can’t drag them into it with me – nor would it be real. We each need to get to this place on our own, like it or not.
My first group therapy session involved another evaluation. An inventory, if you will. As I sat in a circle of folding chairs with other offenders of one kind or another, we read through a list and checked off all that applied. In essence we were taking stock of our life affairs. The list was in quarters. The first dealt with my physical environment, the second my health & emotional balance, the third was money, and the fourth relationships. Are all your clothes pressed and clean? No wrinkles, baskets of laundry, torn, out-of-date or ill-fitting clothes? (Seriously?) I didn’t score too badly…62 out of 100 is passing, right? Still, each of the items listed was something I wouldn’t mind being able to check off. Some of them I wanted more badly than others, but seeing them all in black and white made it hard for me to deny that it was something I can make happen if only I’m willing to make an effort. I can still hear my Mama when I brought home a 96% on a test…where are the other four points? Where are my other 58 points?
Another evaluation, or test, that I am faced with now is the urine test. I’ve alluded to this but I think it’s important that I’m very clear about what is expected of me in my probation. I can be given a urine screening at any time during my probation. Not just for drugs, mind you, but for alcohol, too. And, contrary to what I once believed, alcohol can be detected in your urine for up to 80 hours after consumption. If for any reason at all I am tested and alcohol is detected in my urine I am violating the conditions of my probation and the privilege of serving it free may be revoked– I can go to jail for the remainder of my probation period.
This policy bothers me on principle. I don’t think it’s right that after one DUI conviction my government can police my personal choices to that extent. Still, it is what it is and I do not want to be sent to jail – I will comply. At first I was pretty clever about things, counting the days until my next probation appointment, figuring out just how much I could get away with. The choice to go totally sober only came later, at a court-ordered evaluation. “This is not about a glass of wine here and there,” she told me, “from this point on this is about abstinence.” Maybe I’m blowing things out of proportion. They probably won’t test me if I don’t give them a reason to…but what if they did? Could I live with myself if I risked being forcibly taken from my family? From my son?
And so rather than fight it, I’m doing it. I’m doing a sober evaluation of my environment, my finances, my habits, and my relationships – including my relationship with alcohol and drugs. I’m going to grow because I’m willing and there’s room. I’m also going to pick up skills along the way and I can’t help but wonder if one of those skills will be consistent evaluation.
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