678 days. That’s how many days have passed since I saw those lights in my rear view mirror. Why did I calculate that duration? Did I think it would quantify the experience? Help me sum it up beautifully? Launch me into perfect prose..?
When I finished my group sessions I went to non-reporting probation. As long as I stayed out of trouble, I stayed out of trouble. A few short months later we learned we were pregnant. Soon thereafter, we miscarried. This excerpt from chapter 2, “The Window Theory”, captures perfectly the feelings I was able to muster in the face of that heartbreak. I really think it’s easier to be positive with each choice to be so.
This tooling, this preparation, was apparent once again as I gave the sorrow of my loss over to be held by a power not mine. In fact, I witnessed such blatant tooling with the miscarriage that I forgot I’d been blessed that way before. It wasn’t until I read these words written some few hundred days earlier that I saw the two events as tied, once more, in my mind.
I’m thinking now of the vision board I made in group. I put such thought into it. I hung it proudly in my garage, where it would be in my direct line of sight each time I started or parked the car. The idea is to use visual reminders to keep your goals in mind. This is my vision board.
Can you see the brothers reading together in the upper right-hand corner? This vision board was a tool for me. A thought flitted across my mind when I saw them in my misery. The age difference between those children is much more than Kiddo’s and the baby’s would have been…Is it strange I took comfort in that? Maybe my second child is still to come…
So one more gossamer thread is strung between the two incidents. I wonder if just as one short journey ended so did another. That comes to mind when I feel myself slipping into old habits, drinking quickly and pouring often. Or maybe I can put thoughts of both to rest with my fingers on the keyboard but will wonder about the karma indefinitely; a phantom kick in my belly that swears it’s real…
I cried on my last day of group. I cried because I knew I walked out of that room with no guarantee I would see or hear from those people again and it made me sad. My eyes have also filled tonight as I try and sum this experience up for you, who now know me so well. Where do I go from here? How do I grow this into a community conversation, a place where people can come to get the tooling I got when I walked that road? How do I keep myself close to these decisions I made and continue to live and breathe them?
I am very seriously interested in hearing your thoughts, dear reader. Please leave them below. I’m going to spend some time thinking about where to take this thing now and I hope to get some guidance from your words. Tool me, friends…
I’ll be back in a week or two and hopefully, by then, we’ll have 12. A Plan.
{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
Tools. Funny word but accurate when you consider that God uses many tools to reach us. I think the most valuable tools we have are our friends and families. Sometimes when you are hurting and vulnerable, it’s easier to withdraw from those around you and put on a brave face or busy yourself with things that really could be left undone. Reach out to your friends and have more “you” time. Maybe you will miss the group time so much because it really is you time. Maybe you could make your own “group” of friends that you really want to spend more time with and get closer to.
Ha! Wouldn’t the hubby love me telling him I need more “me” time? I know in a (loving) way he feels as though the past nearly two years have been all about me. I do think you’re right, though – that’s why I loved it. That’s why I love writing, too, I’m sure.
It’s interesting what you say about busying oneself to avoid confronting hurt or vulnerable feelings. It reminds me of an excerpt from my favorite prayer: “I look into my mind, and it is cluttered with worries and concerns and important business. I look at my hands and they are full of the things I think I need for my comfort and security. God, you welcome me before I am ready, while I am still in a mess. But you do not care about the mess. You can see deeper into my heart, to the beauty and potential you have made there. You know what my mind will be like when I have learned how to stop being so serious and worried about life and work. You know what my hands will hold when I have learned how to empty them for you to fill.”
Maybe I need to revisit meditation…I’ve never been good at it (stupid mind won’t shut up) but there’s a beginning to everything, right?
If you do not get many responses to this, please do not be discouraged. Not all of us have the amazing gift you have to put such personal thoughts and experiences into excellent prose in a manner that touches so strongly. Thank you for this blog; it is a ministry. I have gained much from it. Used it to assess my habits, thoughts, gifts. I do not want it to end; I want you to continue taking us down your path as we meander down our own paths.
Wow, Amy…now I’m crying. I don’t want it to end, either. There’s got to be some way for me to continue sharing on the topic without wearing myself out emotionally…I just have to figure out what it is!
Thanks again for the reassurance…I needed it:)
Hey,
Sorry to hear that you and H had to deal with a sad loss in the middle of everything. I can’t believe how lame that looks in print, I second Amy’s opinion that we are not all as good at meaningfully putting words together. I didn’t fully understand ‘Window Theory’ when I first read it but I do now.
I personally loved this blog and don’t know if I’d have had to guts to share had I been in your position. I would be to sad it see it fade away. I think one theme was how to stop doing bad/negative/unproductive things (including questioning why we do these things), that make us and others feel bad, and how to draw ourselves (and from now on, each other?) towards positive things, seeking and finding strength to change things we previously only wished to change. Your blog included tips, your sources of inspirations, as well as practical things you did (like making a list and categorizing (US spelling just for you!) activities in group). Instead of you providing every week, it could grow into something shared, and you can receive (less emotionally draining than giving). Personally, I am not so into God, after 3 years in the Middle East, my inner jury is well and truly out on the topic of religion. I would say I’m spiritual, not full on hippy, but I’ve always had and will have a hint of it. I believe all things happen for a reason and The Universe /God /Bhudda / Mother Nature (whatever floats your boat) does have a plan.
So, there’s my 2 cents, or rather 2 pence!
Lots of Love,
j x
Hey Potluckmama
Sjoe this has been a journey and a half. Very proud of you. You and your family will alway be on my mind. Even if you are so far away. Your journey has also helped me to stay focused.
Glad to hear that, maatjie. It’s amazing how the distance fades away with our opportunities to share in this day and age, huh? I’m so glad you’ve gotten something out of this…that pleases me to no end. Ons komm kuier amper amper…ende Mai. Kann nie wag julle almal te sien! Liefies, skaat!